Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, kids. The amount of lovey dovey ads on television
featuring chocolate, sex, and diamonds is enough to send anyone over the edge,
no matter how happy they are in or out of a relationship.
featuring chocolate, sex, and diamonds is enough to send anyone over the edge,
no matter how happy they are in or out of a relationship.
My dear friend Brandon and I threw a party Saturday night, which consisted of us laying
on the couch alone together, yelling at Food Network, and eating brownies. In fact, this party was so exclusive, that only the two prettiest people in the room were even INVITED. The point is, every seven and a half minutes, I saw a fistful of diamond/engagement/do me! ads that made me want to punch a baby. And that is just not socially acceptable (also we do not have any babies, because that wouldn’t be socially responsible). So I punched Brandon instead.
But here are a couple reasons why Valentine’s day can bite me (Uhh... I mean "Fun Facts"):
10) My single friends are being annoying nag-whores. “I don’t have a date?! How could I not have a date??? Am I intimidating?” No, you’re stupid.
9) My committed friends are doing stupid shit like getting engaged and planning elaborate heart filled explosions of idiocy.
8) If you plan some sort of surprise for the day, it’s either going to be completely corny and
romantic, or horrifically awkward and riddled with hilarity. (And possible restraining orders).
7) The feast of St Valentine was observed in the Catholic tradition to honor a handful of saints
martyred for reasons “God only knows” because their stories were lost. THERE IS NO BACKSTORY.
6) Lupercalia, a pagan festival from which Valentine’s day may have arisen, is a celebration of
the wolf mother who suckled Remus and Romulus, founders of Rome. All I can say, is what you already know, werewolves are evil and must be vanquished.
5) The first time Valentine’s Day was slated as being even remotely romantic, Geoffrey Chaucer
MADE IT UP. And tried to sell it as a tradition. Yeah. That’s dishonest.
"For this was on seynt Volantynys day
whan euery bryd cometh there to chese his make"
But who even knows what this guy was trying to say.
4) Valentine’s Day shares initials with Venereal Disease. Probably Shakespeare would approve.
3) The holiday forces men to make gift choices, thereby forcing women to hate them. (Unless your guy happens to have that fabled, diamond-studded, chocolate penis- that also ejaculates money?)
2) BLOODSHED. Historically, we have the St Valentine’s Day Massacre, where Capone “took care” of some members of a rival gang. Lesson: Don’t mess with Italians ever, but especially if you’re Irish. (Actually this makes the day cooler...)
1) Cupid, traditionally associated with the day, in Roman mythology is the god of affection, desire, and erotic love. Today, he’s essentially a little cherub jerk that might as well have arrows tipped with Flunitrazepam (streetname: Roofies).
Cheers!
on the couch alone together, yelling at Food Network, and eating brownies. In fact, this party was so exclusive, that only the two prettiest people in the room were even INVITED. The point is, every seven and a half minutes, I saw a fistful of diamond/engagement/do me! ads that made me want to punch a baby. And that is just not socially acceptable (also we do not have any babies, because that wouldn’t be socially responsible). So I punched Brandon instead.
But here are a couple reasons why Valentine’s day can bite me (Uhh... I mean "Fun Facts"):
10) My single friends are being annoying nag-whores. “I don’t have a date?! How could I not have a date??? Am I intimidating?” No, you’re stupid.
9) My committed friends are doing stupid shit like getting engaged and planning elaborate heart filled explosions of idiocy.
8) If you plan some sort of surprise for the day, it’s either going to be completely corny and
romantic, or horrifically awkward and riddled with hilarity. (And possible restraining orders).
7) The feast of St Valentine was observed in the Catholic tradition to honor a handful of saints
martyred for reasons “God only knows” because their stories were lost. THERE IS NO BACKSTORY.
6) Lupercalia, a pagan festival from which Valentine’s day may have arisen, is a celebration of
the wolf mother who suckled Remus and Romulus, founders of Rome. All I can say, is what you already know, werewolves are evil and must be vanquished.
5) The first time Valentine’s Day was slated as being even remotely romantic, Geoffrey Chaucer
MADE IT UP. And tried to sell it as a tradition. Yeah. That’s dishonest.
"For this was on seynt Volantynys day
whan euery bryd cometh there to chese his make"
But who even knows what this guy was trying to say.
4) Valentine’s Day shares initials with Venereal Disease. Probably Shakespeare would approve.
3) The holiday forces men to make gift choices, thereby forcing women to hate them. (Unless your guy happens to have that fabled, diamond-studded, chocolate penis- that also ejaculates money?)
2) BLOODSHED. Historically, we have the St Valentine’s Day Massacre, where Capone “took care” of some members of a rival gang. Lesson: Don’t mess with Italians ever, but especially if you’re Irish. (Actually this makes the day cooler...)
1) Cupid, traditionally associated with the day, in Roman mythology is the god of affection, desire, and erotic love. Today, he’s essentially a little cherub jerk that might as well have arrows tipped with Flunitrazepam (streetname: Roofies).
Cheers!
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